The Lie

Isn’t it amazing how music can pierce straight into your soul and express exactly how you feel? There has been so many times over the past ten years of struggling to conceive that a specific song has resonated with me. Songs that have brought me joy or comfort, and songs that have brought me to my knees in tears. There are just those times when I have no words and suddenly a song comes on and it’s like I wrote it myself.

I’m on my church’s worship team and this past weekend we sang a new song. And there was a line in the bridge that really spoke to me. The song is Reckless Love by Cory Ashbury. It talks about the love of God and his continued pursuit of us and what He will do to have a relationship with us. The bridge goes like this:

“There’s no shadow you won’t light up, There’s no mountain you won’t climb up, There’s no wall you won’t kick down, There’s no lie You won’t tear down coming after me”

-There’s no lie you won’t tear down-

When I think back on the beginning years of my struggle to conceive I think about the terrible lie that I believed about myself during that time. A lie that took me deeper into depression, further away from God, and the people that I loved and cared about.

What could this non truth be? What could cause such harm to someone emotionally?

It’s simple- I am unworthy. I am not good enough. I have no worth. I mean, God is in control right? So he must not think I’m worth it. Which this of course leads to a whole slough of other questions like- What kind of God is he anyways? Why would he with hold a child from me and cause me so much pain? Isn’t he kind and loving? And how come I’m not worthy of a child but the drug addict I just took care of the other night just had her fourth?

Oh the hurt and the pain this lie spurred within me.

It seems ridiculous that having a biological/physical problem getting pregnant would have anything to do with my worth. And the very logical scientific part of my brain tried to hold onto that. Unfortunately, the emotional, vulnerable part of who I am just didn’t buy it. Since the beginning of time, having children is where a woman’s value came from. It was horrific if she couldn’t conceive. Throughout time women were shunned, even killed sometimes, if they couldn’t produce a child. So if I lived 1000 years ago then my emotional response would make sense. But this was the 21st century. I was a strong woman with an education and a career. If I was a mom or not didn’t make me valuable. And thank God, that is true. But that didn’t take away from the hurt and pain that I felt every month that I didn’t get pregnant. I mean, this is the one thing that a woman can do that a man will never be able to. And I could’t do it.

Every month that went by I started to believe more and more that I was a failure. There’s this sick cycle that happens during a month, of taking meds and trying to conceive, all while telling yourself it probably won’t work. Followed by the few days before your period of hope that maybe you won’t get it and you’ll be pregnant (but also telling yourself not to get your hopes up). Then maybe the hope gets the better of you and you take a home pregnancy test or maybe you just wait it out. It’s negative or you start and now you are crushed. Crushed.

My spirit was crushed. Every month. You can only endure this for so long before it starts to effect who you are. You can only be a bubbly optimistic person for so long before you start to feel depressed.

I don’t think I’m being overly presumptuous when I say that most women struggling with infertility feel similarly. It’s almost strange how alike most women feel that have struggled to conceive. I have talked with many women who have walked this path in life and pretty much all of them have felt similarly.

So what did I do? What did I do when this pervasive lie that I wasn’t worthy had seeped deep within my soul, so much so that it effected who I was. It had started to eat away at my identity.

I can’t say that I did very much at first. I had kind of checked out spiritually. But thankfully God had not. He was continually pursuing me. Trying to remind me of who He was and who I was in Him. He was not going to let this lie define me anymore. He was going to knock down the walls and tear down the lie until my indenting was in him again. Thank you Lord for your relentless love.

In my next post I’ll lay out what I did to bring myself out of this deep rut that I had gotten into. I’d love to go into it now but I don’t want to just skim over what was really a turning point for me in my faith and in my journey to get pregnant.

I struggle with ending this post like this because it’s pretty heavy. It’s raw but it’s real. Infertility is hard and painful. But there can be joy found in the midst of it and that is what I cannot wait to share with you next time.

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The Waiting

“…Because His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great and beyond measure is Your faithfulness…Therefore I have hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

 

Waiting. The pain of infertility is often found in the waiting. I waited 4 years to get pregnant with my first. I waited a year before I was pregnant with my second. And now, I’m at 15 months. Almost a year and a half of waiting to get pregnant with our third and last child. And every month, as I wait, I go through a rollercoaster of emotions. One of which is most definitely pain.

When Jeremy and I were dating we used to have long conversations about what our lives would look like: where would we live, how many kids would we have, what would their names be? Of course we didn’t know the answers to these questions but as two young people in love it was always fun to dream about it. When it came to the question as to how many kids we wanted, it turns out two people in love will lie to each other to make the other one happy.  I laugh to myself as I can clearly remember the conversation we had when Jeremy told me he wanted 3 kids and I said I wanted 3 as well. The truth was, he really only wanted 2 and I really wanted 4. The compromise has stuck and we’ve been trying for a third child for a while.

I was that girl growing up that planned out her life. I would make floor plans of the kind of house I wanted to fit my family with 4 kids. I would write down all their names (because of course I had an ever-changing list of my favorite baby names). I knew what age I wanted to be when I had each of them. Of course I had no control over that last one and having my first child at 28 definitely threw off my plan to have all 4 of my kids by 30. Again I laugh to/at myself.

I may have not really known what my family would look like, but one thing I did know was that I wanted a big family. I had one sibling growing up and I always wanted more. I absolutely loved the holidays when I got to be with all my cousins. It was loud and crazy and wonderful. The desire for a large family is rooted deep inside of me.

It’s hard to explain but most women can tell you if they feel like they are done having kids or not. And i just know I’m not done. For some people, they look at me and think (or say directly to my face-which is oh so appreciated) – well you have 2 kids. A boy and a girl. It’s perfect. Why keep trying if it’s so hard. I know comments like this are well-meaning but that doesn’t make them any less hurtful. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for the 2 miracles I have already been blessed with. I am constantly amazed by God’s faithfulness when I look at them. But there is still a desire, a need, a longing in my heart for another child. To see that childhood dream come true.

So because we wanted a third child we did what we had done after we had Malachi. When Emmie turned 1 we went to the doctor and got on the fertility medication that I had been on to get pregnant with her. I really had only been on this combination for a few months when I got pregnant with her (and also the pregnancy before her that we lost). So my expectations were pretty high that it wouldn’t take very long to get pregnant this time. I was wrong.

As every month has passed by, I’m not going to lie, I get discouraged. I have days of intense sadness and disappointment. Why? Why does this have to be so hard for me? Why can’t I just get pregnant easy this time? Why do I have to feel the pain of infertility every month?

The thing is, as frustrating as its been to have to work so hard to have our family, I have been blessed with the ability to see how God has used each pregnancy journey to reveal His love for me. I mentioned in my first post that I have felt that I was supposed to start this blog a long time ago but I kept making excuses not to. I’m not saying God had kept me from getting pregnant until I started this blog. But what I do know is that if I had gotten pregnant sometime in the last year I would NEVER had started it. I am trying to walk in obedience and share what I have learned and gone through. I don’t know how, but I am confident that God will use this time of waiting for another child to show His goodness.

His goodness, his compassion, his mercy is new every morning. Every morning I may wake up with an ache in my heart for another child, but every morning I have his promises, his faithful example of blessing in my life to look at when I see my 2 beautiful children. And in that I have hope and will wait expectantly.

 

Introductions

I thought for my second post I should take some time to actually introduce myself. Although I know most people who are reading this right now know who I am, already some people have started to check it out that were drawn to a blog about infertility. So for those who know me and those who don’t, here’s my story:

My husband Jeremy and I have been married for 12 years, have been together for 16, and known each other for almost 20! Wow that’s a good way to make a girl feel old.  We met when Jeremy’s dad became the pastor of my church when I was 14. When I was 17 we started dating (the pic associated with this post is from the mo the we started dating) and 4 years later we got married. Yes- I was Jeremy’s one and only girlfriend. Isn’t he lucky?!

I am a Labor and Delivery nurse and have been for over 12 years. I truly love what I do and where I work. Even so, there are days that I so wish I didn’t have to work outside the home. Jeremy is a Business Pastor and we love our church, newhope Church. We moved to our current city almost 4 years ago to help plant this church. It was a crazy leap of faith and I am so happy we took it. Eventually I’ll get to that part of our story.

We have two beautiful children (no seriously they are super cute). Our oldest, Malachi, is 5. He is so fun and sweet- he loves trains and plains, gardening, and legos. He is most definitely a mamas boy. Our youngest, Emmie, is 2. She is so sweet and ridiculously sassy. She loves princesses and baby dolls, animals and paw patrol. She really wants to steal her brothers legos. They are my greatest joy and also exhaust me to the core. Until I was a mom I really couldn’t imagine how much energy it would take to raise children.

Our journey to having children started 10 years ago in 2007. A decade. Sometimes it’s hard for me to fathom that we have been on this journey for that long. And to be honest, I am so ready for this chapter of our story to be over. But it isn’t. We are still trying to have one more child. I plan on talking about that more in a future post.

So back to our story…

When I was in high school I knew that I wanted to be a nurse. I wasn’t sure what kind but I had clear direction of what I wanted to pursue in college. Jeremy wasn’t quite as sure- he was thinking something in business- until he was in his freshman year at Community College.  I can still remember when he called me one afternoon to tell me that he felt like he was being called into ministry. We had been dating for almost 3 years.

This was a big deal for us. Even though Jeremy’s dad was a pastor, he never really had the desire to be a pastor as well. I never wanted to marry a pastor (and let’s be honest I was planning on marrying Jeremy at this point) because it takes a lot of sacrifice to be a pastors wife and there always seems to be a lot of moving. I didn’t want to move a lot. I liked to find my place, make my friends and stay there forever. But, if this is what Jeremy was supposed to do with his life, then I was going to support him.

I graduated in 2005 and went directly into OB nursing. When I was in nursing school it became clear to me that this was the perfect fit for me. I couldn’t wait to be a labor and delivery nurse. This would become such an interesting and sometimes trying career choice once our struggle to get pregnant began.

When we got married in 2005, Jeremy still had 2 years of school left so we knew that we didn’t want to grow our family until he had graduated and had his first job.

2007 came, Jeremy graduated, he got his first job as a youth pastor, we bought our first house. It was time to get pregnant. So I went off birth control in June. By September I just knew something was wrong. I was having really irregular cycles and I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t actually pregnant and just getting a negative test at home. I mean how bad would that look if the L&D nurse didn’t know she was pregnant.

But deep down, I knew I wasn’t pregnant. The blood test confirmed this. The doctor I saw was really great and referred me to get an ultrasound to see what was up. His exact words were “Well if you’re trying to get pregnant there’s no sense in making you wait until a year to see what’s going on.”  I will always appreciate that proactive attitude he had.

October 2007 I had an ultrasound of my ovaries and I remember looking at them and thinking- well that’s not right. Of course the ultrasound tech can’t tell me anything and tells me that a doctor will call me to discuss the results. I went home and googled what I saw and my symptoms and there was one thing that kept popping up over and over.

PCOS. Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Even before the doctor called, I knew this is what I had and I knew it would be a struggle to get pregnant.

So I waited for the call from my doctor. Instead, I received a call from my mom.  My mom and I are pretty close. She had been having some weird health issues- nothing I was too worried about- and was having some tests done. My mom called and spoke the words that no one wants to hear.

“I have cancer.”

Even now, writing this, I get teared up thinking about that moment. I felt like the floor had come out from underneath me.

October 2007 would go down as one of the worst months of my life. My mom was sick. Really, really sick. And all I’ve ever wanted was to have children- have my mom be able to have a relationship with those children and now both those things were in jeopardy.

I’ve been telling you my story, but really this is where my story begins because this is where my faith truly began. Up until this point it had been easy to believe what I believed. My faith in God was easy. It was true but it was easy. It had never really been challenged. These next few years would take everything I knew and believed and put them through the fire and make me who I am today.

 

Yep- I started a blog

I have been writing this first post for years. Of course the words have never left my head and even now I’m contemplating  wether I will actually hit publish. For many years now I have felt the calling/desire/prompting to start a blog focusing mainly on my faith and my journey through infertility. But to be truthful I’ve just been to scared to do it.

I kept coming up with excuses as to why I couldn’t: I’m a nurse not a writer. My grammar will probably be atrocious. There are a million blogs out there and great ones that have to do with infertility, why would anyone want to read what I have to say? I can’t come up with a blog name- seriously that’s been a big excuse for me.

But recently at church we have been talking about imagining what God can do in our lives. How can He use us? What are we not doing because of fear? To say I have been challenged by this would be an understatement.

So here I am. Ready to step out in faith, be obedient and put my words out there for others to read and judge. My goal is to share about my struggle with infertility and how I navigated that, am currently navigating through it, and hopefully be an encouragement to others who may be going through the same.

Maybe you don’t struggle with infertility, but I bet you know someone who does. And even if by chance you don’t, maybe there will be something else in my words that can be an encouragement to you at some point in your daily life.

So one last thing before I conclude my first post… I thought I should share how I finally picked a name for my blog. One of the struggles people have that are dealing with infertility is this idea that they can’t talk about it. Maybe it’s shame or embarrassment that keeps them quiet but women who can’t get pregnant tend to keep the pain of that to themselves. Early on I chose to be pretty open about it. I was Willing to Share. I Timothy 6:18 says  …be generous and willing to share. As I was praying and trying to figure out a name today it became obvious that this would be it.

There you go. My first blog post. Nothing too fancy but definitely me. Thanks for sticking in until the end to see what it’s all about.