Spring time. Spring always brings that sense of new beginnings and the spring of 2010 was really a representation of that to me. It was at that time when I began to read through the book of Psalms. I started coming out of the sadness and depression that I was trapped in and started remembering who I was in Christ. Every Psalm I read was a reminder of how much God loved and understood me.
At this point in our journey to get pregnant Jeremy and I had taken a break from all treatments. No more meds, no more doctors, or alternative treatments. We had tried everything from seeing a natropath, to acupuncture, to supplements. I had stopped everything because I needed time to heal. Every month that we were trying all these things and I didn’t get pregnant was such a huge blow to my spirit. There was a sense of loss each month. A loss of hope. When I stopped all of that, then there was no expectation to get pregnant so it was easier. There was still an emptiness and a longing for a child, but I had to have this time to get back to being me.
In December that year my good friend, Kristin, called me to let me know about a job opportunity at her hospital. We had previously worked together at my current hospital but she had started working at Evergreen because it was closer to home. The reason this was such a big deal was because Evergreen’s insurance plan covered fertility treatments and my current job did not. Actually, most jobs did not. Many insurance comapnies look at fertility treatments similarly to a cosmetic procedure. A perk- not a medical neccessity. Evergreen had been on a hiring freeze for a couple of years so this was pretty big.
I had so many questions running through my head. Should I change jobs? The commute would be double and I’d have to be new- I hate being new! Plus, I loved my co-workers and didn’t want to leave them. But the biggest question was- are you ready to jump back in? Are you ready to take that next step in your journey to have a baby?
This was going to be a huge season of change for us. Jeremy had just stepped down from his position as a youth pastor at our church. He knew God was calling him out of youth ministry and that he really wanted to be a Business Pastor but he didn’t have a job lined up. That was a huge leap of faith there. And now I’m going to change jobs and we’re going to ramp up our fertility treatments!?!?
I was so scared. So I started praying about it. That Christmas we were at my cousin Starlene’s house and she was asking me how it was going? She knew we had been trying for years to have a baby and had been praying for us. I mentioned the opportunity to change jobs and the benefits that would come with it and I can’t completely remember what she said to me but I so remember they had impact. She said- Marissa this is what you have been waiting for! You need to apply this week!
She was right- this is what I had been praying for! This was the next step I needed to take. It was a step of faith for me, to say- Ok God, I’m going to try again. I’m believing this is your plan for me. I’m scared but I don’t want to let fear hold me back.
So I did it. I changed jobs. Deep breath. I started my new job in January of 2011 and in March we had our first appointment at Seattle Reproductive Medicine. This meant going back on the medication- even more meds this time. There was ultrasounds and shots and lots of appointments but I knew it would be worth it.
After 3 months of trying with just new medications and no pregnancies, the decision was made to take it to the next step. We would be doing and IUI, or intrauterine insemination. This was more invasive and clinical but it was going to increase our chances to conceive by a lot. We couldn’t do it right away because I was going on my second medical mission trip to Africa in August. So by the time I could do it, it was now October. It was now fall.
Another new season. The way spring always makes me think of new beginnings, autumn alway brings me sense of peacefulness. A settling in of sorts. I can’t really explain it, except to say that there was a peace that surpasses all understanding after we did the IUI. It was a peace that only God could give me. Yes, we had a medical procedure done, but He was still ultimately in control and this baby would be His miracle.
A week after the procedure (and a week before I could take a pregnancy test to see if it had worked) I was on my break at work and of course only thinking about whether I was pregnant or not and I just didn’t want to be anxious about it. So I opened the Bible app on my phone and opened it to the book of Psalms- this was were I had found my peace before. And what happened next still leaves me in awe.
This is what I read:
He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord. Psalm 113:9
I had read through that entire book when I was desperate to conceive. How had I not seen this before? It would’ve jumped out of the page at me! I honestly believe God was waiting to reveal it to me at that time as a promise. It may sound crazy, but I knew. I knew I was pregnant. I wouldn’t find out for another week whether that was true or not but in that moment I had complete peace in knowing that my prayers would be answered.
A week later, after years of negative, heart breaking tests, I would take my first positive pregnancy test and be filled with a kind of joy that bubbled up from deep within my soul.
It’s spring again. A time for new beginnigs. A time to take the next step.