“…Because His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great and beyond measure is Your faithfulness…Therefore I have hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him.” Lamentations 3:22-24
Waiting. The pain of infertility is often found in the waiting. I waited 4 years to get pregnant with my first. I waited a year before I was pregnant with my second. And now, I’m at 15 months. Almost a year and a half of waiting to get pregnant with our third and last child. And every month, as I wait, I go through a rollercoaster of emotions. One of which is most definitely pain.
When Jeremy and I were dating we used to have long conversations about what our lives would look like: where would we live, how many kids would we have, what would their names be? Of course we didn’t know the answers to these questions but as two young people in love it was always fun to dream about it. When it came to the question as to how many kids we wanted, it turns out two people in love will lie to each other to make the other one happy. I laugh to myself as I can clearly remember the conversation we had when Jeremy told me he wanted 3 kids and I said I wanted 3 as well. The truth was, he really only wanted 2 and I really wanted 4. The compromise has stuck and we’ve been trying for a third child for a while.
I was that girl growing up that planned out her life. I would make floor plans of the kind of house I wanted to fit my family with 4 kids. I would write down all their names (because of course I had an ever-changing list of my favorite baby names). I knew what age I wanted to be when I had each of them. Of course I had no control over that last one and having my first child at 28 definitely threw off my plan to have all 4 of my kids by 30. Again I laugh to/at myself.
I may have not really known what my family would look like, but one thing I did know was that I wanted a big family. I had one sibling growing up and I always wanted more. I absolutely loved the holidays when I got to be with all my cousins. It was loud and crazy and wonderful. The desire for a large family is rooted deep inside of me.
It’s hard to explain but most women can tell you if they feel like they are done having kids or not. And i just know I’m not done. For some people, they look at me and think (or say directly to my face-which is oh so appreciated) – well you have 2 kids. A boy and a girl. It’s perfect. Why keep trying if it’s so hard. I know comments like this are well-meaning but that doesn’t make them any less hurtful. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for the 2 miracles I have already been blessed with. I am constantly amazed by God’s faithfulness when I look at them. But there is still a desire, a need, a longing in my heart for another child. To see that childhood dream come true.
So because we wanted a third child we did what we had done after we had Malachi. When Emmie turned 1 we went to the doctor and got on the fertility medication that I had been on to get pregnant with her. I really had only been on this combination for a few months when I got pregnant with her (and also the pregnancy before her that we lost). So my expectations were pretty high that it wouldn’t take very long to get pregnant this time. I was wrong.
As every month has passed by, I’m not going to lie, I get discouraged. I have days of intense sadness and disappointment. Why? Why does this have to be so hard for me? Why can’t I just get pregnant easy this time? Why do I have to feel the pain of infertility every month?
The thing is, as frustrating as its been to have to work so hard to have our family, I have been blessed with the ability to see how God has used each pregnancy journey to reveal His love for me. I mentioned in my first post that I have felt that I was supposed to start this blog a long time ago but I kept making excuses not to. I’m not saying God had kept me from getting pregnant until I started this blog. But what I do know is that if I had gotten pregnant sometime in the last year I would NEVER had started it. I am trying to walk in obedience and share what I have learned and gone through. I don’t know how, but I am confident that God will use this time of waiting for another child to show His goodness.
His goodness, his compassion, his mercy is new every morning. Every morning I may wake up with an ache in my heart for another child, but every morning I have his promises, his faithful example of blessing in my life to look at when I see my 2 beautiful children. And in that I have hope and will wait expectantly.